WORRY!

'Don't worry about anything...' Philippians 4:6

Identify the source of your worries. Did you grow up in a fear-filled family, always feeling insecure, never measuring up, and never hearing words of affirmation and approval? Are you listening to the prophets of doom, hearing only about what's wrong, and how much worse it's going to get? What's the source of your anxiety? What feeds your worries? Until you can express your fears you can't expel them. Putting your worries into words disrobes them. They look weak and silly standing there naked. In his novel Life of Pi, Yann Martel's main character, Pi, finds himself adrift at sea on a lifeboat with a 450-pound Bengal tiger as his companion. While on the lifeboat, Pi begins to analyse his fears, both of the sea and the tiger. He gives this counsel: 'You must fight hard to express your [fear]. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.' So pull back the curtain and expose your fears, each and every one. Like vampires, they can't stand the sunlight. Financial fears, relationship fears, professional fears, safety fears - call them out in prayer. Drag them out and make them stand before God. How do you do that? 'Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything... Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand...' (vv. 6-7 NLT).

How to Be Married and Happy! (3)

'...Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day...' Ecclesiastes 9:9

Marital happiness requires an environment of unselfishness. Two people deciding to live out what Jesus taught in His Sermon on the Mount will find happiness together. Each beatitude (what our attitude should be) begins with the word 'blessed', which means 'happy'. True happiness is found in humility, a readiness to repent, gentleness, patience, being unassuming, loving what's right and just, pureheartedness, and peacemaking. These are the qualities that make a marriage go the distance. And notice, they're the opposite of selfishness! An un-crucified self is the worst possible marriage material. The wedding ring symbolises unending commitment, but unless it is superimposed over the cross, the symbol of death to self, there can be no lasting marital happiness. Self will put an end to love; love will put an end to self. Marriage is the ultimate invitation to growth in unselfishness. Living with another imperfect person pushes us to mature, mellow and master the art of relationship-enhancing self-denial. Paul writes, '...Love deeply; practise playing second fiddle' (Romans 12:10 TM). The test of a loving relationship lies in putting our partner's needs before our own. Asking 'Whose good am I seeking in my handling of this situation?' reveals our real heart attitude, prompting us to put our partner first. Deliberately deferring to them applies the cross to self and the flesh, and promotes our marriage. The more self dies, the more our relationship lives! '...a grain of wheat must fall to the ground and die to make many seeds. But if it never dies, it remains only a single seed' (John 12:24 NCV).

How to Be Married and Happy! (2)

'...Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day...' Ecclesiastes 9:9

Contentment is the key to a happy marriage. When asked what makes us contented in marriage, we inevitably point to things our partner does, or their characteristics, that please us. When asked what makes us discontented, we indicate what they do, or are, that displeases us. We focus on what's right or wrong about them, making ourselves happy or unhappy. But contentment is an inside job! It's how we react to others. Our attitude is the real issue. The problem's not what we see or hear, it's how we see or hear it: '...The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear... with hearing' (Ecclesiastes 1:8 NAS). The eye and ear - our perceptions - are the culprits. That's why God says, '...be content with such things as ye have...' (Hebrews 13:5 KJV). We must choose to see things differently, in ways that don't make us unhappy. The controls are in our hands, not our partner's! Contentment is a choice. '...I have learned... to be content' (Philippians 4:11 KJV). We learn contentment by considering how much harder others have it, asking God how He wants us to use our challenges and lacks for our growth and our partner's growth, and - remembering Erma Bombeck's advice - 'The grass usually looks greener over someone else's septic system'. Benjamin Franklin said of marriage, 'Keep your eyes wide open beforehand, and half shut afterwards'. Finally, we can learn contentment by praying for the courage to change what we can (especially our own attitude), the grace to accept what we cannot (most things are acceptable when we stop resenting them), and the wisdom to know the difference.

How to Be Married and Happy! (1)

'...Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day...' Ecclesiaste 9:9

Counsellors reckon that less than 25 per cent of marriages today are truly happy. What does it take to be one of them? Thinking about marriage in God's terms, not selfish terms. From God's perspective, happiness in marriage depends on distinguishing fact from fiction. The world of movie magic creates unrealistic expectations. To 'relish life with the spouse you love each and every day', you must re-examine your thinking. Every marriage is made up of two flawed people: 'For all have sinned and fall short...' (Romans 3:23 NIV). That includes you and your partner. It's not that we don't know this, it's that we keep forgetting it, or hoping we're the exception to the rule. Expecting perfection is na?ve and will keep undermining your relationship. Happiness in marriage depends on coming to terms with your mutual defects and dealing with them realistically. Recognise fiction; deal with facts - especially in certain vulnerable areas. For example, finances. Practise tithing, generosity, delayed gratification, and fiscal discipline. Second, personal appearance. Always try to look your best, but accept unchangeable features - both yours and your partner's. Ageing is God's idea, so accept it with dignity and become wiser with it. Third, lifestyle. Happiness is about comfort and contentment, not materialism and pride that lead to crushing indebtedness. Then, courtesy. Small kindnesses, considerate acts and words are low-cost, high-yield investments. Finally, physical satisfaction. The greatest satisfaction results from providing satisfaction for your partner. Self-focus, manipulation and demanding your way can never match God's unfailing system: 'Give, and it shall be given unto you...' (Luke 6:38 KJV).